I don’t know about you, but I’m the type of person who needs to see both sides of any situation before truly believing I’m doing the right thing. This statement will make more sense as we get deeper into today’s thoughts, it might become a little word-vomity.
I’ve really learned a lot about myself this semester. For those of you who don’t know, this was my last semester at Boston University, so naturally I could feel myself getting a little nostalgic, but this went deeper than that … As a young adult living on my own in Boston I had become increasingly independent, and have had a lot of freedom to live my life as I please. But how do I want to live my life?
In fact, this question didn’t have an answer until yesterday. I’ve struggled being home during this pandemic, only because I’m the type of person who is deeply routed in routine, schedules and deadlines. Without them, it’s easy for me to feel lost, anxious and even a little depressed. Before the start of social distancing and stay-at-home orders, I really felt like I had my life together. Wake up early each morning, get a workout in, eat healthy, do my homework, go to class, meditate, journal, read, repeat. My day was scheduled to the hour, every day of the week. After a few weeks of that though, I felt a little “over it”. As a student who aspires to become a physician, I’m very accustomed to tight schedules and extensive work hours, the busy feeling wasn’t new to me but I continuously wondered if I would be happier if I had hours to do whatever I wanted, or maybe if I could spend an entire day laying in bed on my laptop. These thoughts would come each time I felt stressed and thinly spread (studying for the MCAT, being the captain of a cheerleading team, finals etc). Though each time I don’t have the option to fill my schedule, no matter how minor, I feel even more grief. Im sure this is confusing to read through, it was confusing for me to too.
For me, I’ve really come to realize the days I feel happiest are the days I push myself, and the days I invest in myself. Sometimes, these two things mean the same thing. One of my favorite books, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, taught me that I am my greatest investment, and you, yours. Why is it that we don’t believe things unless we experience them for ourselves? Im certainly guilty. It took me a number of anxiety filled days, self doubt, and negative thoughts to realize I was standing in my own way. The days I complete the tasks I set out to do, exercise, read, and socialize are the days I go to bed feeling like I have it all. And without them come tumultuous internal conflict.
Remember, you cannot successfully give and work and produce without taking care of the producer. It’s very important to me that I’m able to spread myself to service. Whatever it is you set out to do, whatever makes brings you joy … give your whole heart to it. To me, that felt like a big promise to keep, which was a little intimidating and intense. Instead of letting this create stress (the very opposite of what we want), each day I do little things that fit into the 4 categories of wellness and renewal : physical, mental, social/emotional and spiritual …
So that I can continue to do this :
The worst that could happen is you realize you were wrong, and become even closer to getting it right.